Horoscopes: Spring 2018


Aries (March 21-April 19): The stars say you should seek out conflict today, so talk back to your English teacher and insist that “Frankenstein” is the name of the monster.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) A good topic for your college essay will finally come to you, much to the distress of the admissions officer who has to read it.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20) You will win the lottery, get into your dream college, attract the attention of a Calvin Klein modelling agent, and have a new, non cultlike religion based on you, and yet Karen from Trig still won’t give you her number.

Leo (June 21st-August 22nd) You will be sent to the Underworld for all of eternity, where demons will gouge out your eyes with golf clubs and force you to eat gas station sushi for all of eternity. (By the way, LEOS SUCK. GEMINIS RULE! #MakeAmericaGeminiAgain)

Virgo (August 23-September 22): It’s time to let down your walls. Allow that plague of locusts to enter your home and become one of the insects.

Libra (September 23-October 22nd): That fat painful cyst you have is, in fact, not a cyst at all. It’s the butt you wished for as a preteen.

Scorpio (October 23rd-Novembr 21st): Change is in the air, thanks to your new Louisville Slugger and increasingly large collection of stolen piggy banks.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21st): The stars will formally apologize to you for having the hardest-to-pronounce sign.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You will inch closer towards the possibility of true love as you realize that your chem partner truly didn’t mean to singe off your eyebrows with the Bunsen burner.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You will discover a passion for racial studies after you learn that you can’t call the Trevian Tipline just because you saw a black person in the cafeteria.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Your obsession with the British royal family will end when you realize that the fetus growing inside of Meghan Founded in 1919Markle’s magical uterus is better off than you will ever be.