Skip to Main Content
  • Major Whoopsie Reported Downtown
  • New Trier Receives No Presents From Santa Because of its Sorry Lack of a Chimney
  • Obstruction of just-ice? Cafeteria Freezer Frozen Shut
  • Artfully Stained Cafeteria Chair Sold at Anchor Day Auction to Dtudent for $30 million.
  • Teachers Confused About Which Raptors They’re Supposed to Bring for Attendance
  • The Canvas Panda Has Gone Missing
  • Upcoming Super Bowl Halftime Show will be “Powerful Tribute to the World of Podcasting”

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

The Satirical Student Newspaper of New Trier

The Near True News

Annie v

Annie v, Writer Emeritus

Author of the smash hit Buzzfeed article “tell us your social security number and we’ll tell you what mistake you’re making with bacon”, brief tenant of the Motel 6 in Rutland, Vermont, Annie now comes to you from Winnetka a laptop near Winnetka. Outside of writing, she enjoys pretending she reads novels, pretending she cooks, and pretending she goes on long walks with the dog she does not have.

All content by Annie v
Suppression of Journalism is Good, Actually

Suppression of Journalism is Good, Actually

Annie v and Ben S April 5, 2022

Many students may wonder why the familiar stacks of student publications like the Near True News aren’t showing up in their Adviseries every Friday. It’s not because we stopped reporting the news,...

Goodbye, Safe Spaces; Hello, Danger Zones

Goodbye, Safe Spaces; Hello, Danger Zones

Nicolle B, Said A, and Annie v January 25, 2022

As part of its continuous efforts to foster solidarity and flexibility among its student body, New Trier has announced its commitment to creating “Danger Zones” in classrooms and adviseries.  “Safe...

Worst Classes at New Trier

Worst Classes at New Trier

Annie von Dohlen November 2, 2021
Glass Art: We know it sounded cool, but a glob of potato-shaped glass is not art. You can't call everything a paperweight.
New Trier Crime Report

New Trier Crime Report

Annie von Dohlen and Eli Trokenheim November 2, 2021
A girl was detained by the adviser chair for failing to sign up for all level four classes. Teachers became suspicious when she began sleeping through the night.
Eek, a boy! New gender-segregation programs announced

Eek, a boy! New gender-segregation programs announced

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen November 2, 2021

The incredible importance of enforcing a homogeneous environment is often overlooked. Although the advisery system provides shelter for the first 25 minutes of your morning, there is no break from the...

Rejected College Essays

Rejected College Essays

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

At significant risk to their lives and reputations, our stalwart reporters here at the NTN have pieced together shredded documents recovered from the Post-High School Counseling department wastebaskets....

2019 Field Trip Report

2019 Field Trip Report

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Remote learning has nothing on the desire of students to get excursion cards signed! Unfortunately, the Cook County Department of Health disagreed, so here is our field trip report for 2019. Spanish-...

Top 10 Dangers at New Trier

Top 10 Dangers at New Trier

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Bees Running on the third floor balconies in the new building after they wax the floors and falling a la Emperor Palpatine Hostage situations due to teachers demanding upgraded coffeemakers  ...

Freshmen: The Hunt for Untold Riches Calls On You!

Freshmen: The Hunt for Untold Riches Calls On You!

Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Dear Incoming Freshmen, We are older than you, angry at your youth and inexperience, seeking to see the world through your eyes and inside your skin.  Your campus lacks a coffee bar, freedom, a...

Ask a College Admissions Officer

Ask a College Admissions Officer

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen March 5, 2021

Getting into college is a stressful experience for high schoolers every year.  That's why we contacted a local college admissions officer to help answer your burning questions! Q: Would you prefer...

Most Popular Zoom Waiting Room Activities

Most Popular Zoom Waiting Room Activities

Eli Trokenheim and Annie von Dohlen November 19, 2020

We know this is a stressful time, so in an effort to give families the illusion of control over some small aspect of their lives, they can now choose to sing one of the following songs in Zoom waiting...

Load More Stories