Saunter: Stride confidently up to the stage to receive your fake diploma. Smile with your whitened, alabaster teeth. Pose for the camera.  Sashay: Levitate from your seat. Float up to the front....

High school graduation is the culmination of years of hard work. All the sleepless nights and skipped lunch periods have led to this ultimate celebration of the New Trier class of 2023. The only thing...

After New Trier’s recent renovations, efforts have been made to reduce anxiety by using versatile seating. This is supposedly conducive for meeting in groups and is meant to be comfortable, yet sleek....

Bass fishers are known for oozing romantic appeal, but they often elude even the highest quality flirtations. Luckily, the Near True News’ team of Love Editors have put together an accessible guide for...

As the beginning of school rolls into full swing, lonely freshmen and middle children aren’t the only ones desperate for attention. New Trier’s clubs – all six hundred and seventy nine of them –...

The Advanced Placement system can be full of confusion and all manner of traps, but luckily the Near True News is here to help you get through all your stressful courses. Our research indicates that students...

When I was applying for colleges, I really struggled to find the perfect essay to encompass my entire being. Fortunately, my pet squirrel brought me a fully written essay from my neighbor’s garbage can,...

The incredible importance of enforcing a homogeneous environment is often overlooked. Although the advisery system provides shelter for the first 25 minutes of your morning, there is no break from the...

The latest Youth Risk Behavior Survey data has identified choosing Halloween costumes as the riskiest decision a New Trier student faces each year. A well-executed Halloween costume has the power to take...

At significant risk to their lives and reputations, our stalwart reporters here at the NTN have pieced together shredded documents recovered from the Post-High School Counseling department wastebaskets....

Remote learning has nothing on the desire of students to get excursion cards signed! Unfortunately, the Cook County Department of Health disagreed, so here is our field trip report for 2019. Spanish-...

Looking for a hot new product to buy, or maybe even invest in? Well you’ve come to the right place. For a fraction of a year, Business Outsider has brought satisfaction to a few people with new and exciting...

Bees Running on the third floor balconies in the new building after they wax the floors and falling a la Emperor Palpatine Hostage situations due to teachers demanding upgraded coffeemakers  ...

Getting into college is a stressful experience for high schoolers every year.  That's why we contacted a local college admissions officer to help answer your burning questions! Q: Would you prefer...

It has been elucidated in recent years that colleges are looking for something more than just rigorous education; they are in search of students prepared to risk their own physical well-being in the name...

From the beginning of time, the attack of the lemmings has been inevitable. There is no greater certainty in all of humanity than the lemming apocalypse. Luckily, we have had a long time to prepare, so...

This pandemic has made people realize that they are living in their own filth and then smearing it all over their face. Our team of experts is ready to answer all of your questions about how to dissolve...

We know this is a stressful time, so in an effort to give families the illusion of control over some small aspect of their lives, they can now choose to sing one of the following songs in Zoom waiting...

It’s autumn, and the leaves are falling. But with new COVID restrictions it’s a lot harder to go out and waste money buying fake pine cones at Bed Bath and Beyond. Luckily our interior design consultant...

“I’m sorry about that time when I ran over your hamster with your neighbor’s tricycle, I didn’t realize how fast tricycles could go”  “I just want you to know that it was an accident...